Romani: The Happy Clown That Cries
by Zayaince
Summary: Erm, we couldn't think of a good title ^^;; Romani is DUM! With a capital UM! Even if you like her, you should find this funny ^_^


A/N: Hola compadres! Aya here! Unlike the last Zelly and Aya collaboration fanfic, I wrote most of this one! ^_~ I suggest that all fans (if ANY) of Romani to RUN BACK TO YOUR FILTHY MOTHERS NOW! Heck, even Malon fans might be offended. Zelly and I tend to lean in favor of our...DEAR..PRINCESS ZELLY. HUZZAH!! Oh, I was under the influence of Sweet Tarts through most of this so...YEAH....  
  
Chapter One: Large and Burley  
  
Twas late one eve in Clock Town when a din was heard coming from the southern part of town by Jim (leader of the Bombers! 5 years and going strong!). His attention was averted from his large, purple balloon, which he had been trying to pop since he was 10 FRIGGIN' YEARS OLD. THE DAMN THING HAD REGENERATED OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AMEN!! ...Anyway, our young pimple-ridden Jimmy dropped his South African style dart shooting thingy and scooted to hide behind an Owl Statue to watch from a safe distance. From his viewpoint, Jim could see an eccentric Guru-Guru leaping and bounding in front of a group of un-amused carpenters. The former animal leader seemed very excited to have the attention of so many people at one time and pranced about as he spoke. "*ahem* OH COME YEE OF LITTLE FAITH, AND HEAR A TALE TOLD.....NOT TOO MANY TIMES! I speak of a tale of bravery, valor, and above all: chronic cases of schizophrenia! Yes! The royal dissing of Ramoni is upon us like a not-too-bad plague! Pull up a seat and grab a complimentary corn dog, the story begins now!" The carpenters just sat there. They were already sitting down, and there were no corn dogs to be seen. Everyone in the general vicinity was thinking of someway to kill Guru-Guru cleanly and quickly when everything SUDDENLY became wavy and blurry. The little gray dog in Southern Clock Town passed out with its paws straight in the air as the waviness turned violently into a full-fledged flashback.  
  
Young Link tramped about on Milk Road, one of the few places in Termina where he didn't have to wear his stone mask all the time, the sissy coward! After swindling 20 rupees from Keaton (whom you can recognize from the *SHEEN* of his tail), Link noticed a LARGE BURLY man swinging a LARGE BURLY pick at a LARGE BURLY rock. He seemed to be mumbling. " Grr, if t'wernt fer this LARGE BURLY rok covren this ere' LARGE BURLY ole' oi cud go ome' to da LARGE BURLY misses, burr aye..." Link, being the fine and well-behaved young lad that he was marched right up to the LARGE BURLY man and proclaimed "HALLO". The LARGE BURLY man pivoted on his LARGE BURLY heel and began to sweat profusely while wiping his LARGE BURLY forehead with the back of his LARGE BURLY hand. (Can I possibly stress enough that this man is LARGE and BURLY?!) "Hurr, whu' duya want laddie?" Link blinked and thought very carefully before replying. "Have you heard of Old Spice deodorant? If you aren't satisfied they buy you a stick of your own FREE OF FRIKKIN' CHARGE!!" "I arn't herrun of nun 'DEE OAD ERR EURNT' buffore...", the LARGE BURLY man stated with a shrug of his LARGE BURLY sholders. Tatl sprang up from behind Link and dinged loudly. "THIS IS SURELY A FACT" Link slapped the fairy with the back of his hand and quickly stuffed her comatose form under his hat, which was neither LARGE nor BURLY. He then slapped on the Goron mask and became nearly as LARGE and BURLY as the pick- wielding man himself. Goron-Link pulled out a powder keg and set it close to the LARGE BURLY rock. The LARGE BURLY man saw this and high-tailed his LARGE BURLY rear end as far away as his LARGE BURLY legs could carry him, only to be battered down by that damn Takkuri bird, where his pick and shoes were promptly stolen. (What purpose a Takkuri bird has for shoes, we'll never know) Our small hero pulled his Goron mask off as a God-like force jammed the "A" button to speed Link up because they simply could not wait .784 more seconds for Link to avert to his normal self WITH animation. After this, Link placed his sophisticated pair of Bunny Ears upon his cranium, adjusted them slightly, threw his hands into the air, and bolted at full speed into Romani Ranch screaming: "YYIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Back in Clock Town, a LARGE.......*ahem*... large group of carpenters were gathered around the small dog which had passed out. They were enjoying poking its stomach and watching its furry legs twitch MUCH more than Guru- Guru's stupid story. Jim's face contorted in confusion as he realized that Guru-Guru did not seem to be stopping with his story-telling. A God-like force once again jammed the "A" button. That freaking stupid author was taking way too long.  
  
After running down the dirt path of Romani Ranch for what seemed like almost seven seconds, Link came to a skidding halt. A girl about his size was tramping about on the grass while trying to shoot an empty bow (minus the arrow) at a balloon that appeared to be in the shape of a humongous and VERY peeved ladybug. Just as Link was pondering about how bad hallucinogenic drugs were, the small girl noticed him standing there. She whirled around and instantly started talking to him. "Hey, who are you? I'm Romani. I was given the same name as the ranch. What's your name?" Link couldn't even tell if she was looking at him or not, the poor lass was Xtremely cross-eyed. He stood still for a moment, thinking that maybe if he was as motionless as possible she would forget he was there and resume with...what the crap was she doing anyway? Romani made a weird sound and clapped her hands together. "Link? That's a nice name but..." Our brave hero reeled back and glared at the redhead in front of him. "HOLY CATS! HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?" She chose to ignore him. Link pouted. People OFTEN chose to ignore him. "BUT... How about Grasshopper? That's the name Romani gives you." "......I absolutely LOATHE people who speak in the third person...", Link proclaimed, only to be ignored again. "See, you're wearing green clothes, and you patter about when you walk, so Grasshopper it is." The small boy stared in bewilderment at Romani. "I do NOT 'PATTER'! I have a MANLY STRUT..... kayphulease." Romani stood staring blankly at him for a few minutes. Link waved his hand in front of her face after a while, secretly hoping she was dead. Suddenly she began speaking in a very freaky voice. Link jumped, startled at her sudden non-comatose-ness. "Romani was practicing for tonight... Tonight..." "Grasshopper" bit his lip, he could tell something very trippy was about to happen. "THEY are coming..."  
  
The whole of Romani Ranch went black, a single bright light beaming down from the sky. Eerie music was echoing in Link's ears as he stumbled about. Huge words appeared in front of him in a gray box. In his daze Link read the words as best as he could... "They... They come at night... every year when the carnival approaches..." The single light flashed violently and turned into a....err..."them". "They come riding in a bright, shining, ball. A whole lot of them come down... and then... they come to the barn..." Link watched as a cow appeared in front of him under a spotlight. We thought for a moment that maybe someone was about to interrogate the cow about a murder, when it began to move upwards into another bright ball of light. Everything became wavy and Romani Ranch reverted to its previous status.  
  
Link shook his head and surveyed the ranch wide-eyed. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS HENRY CHRIST JUST HAPPENED!?!?" Romani continued to ignore Link. "My older sister won't believe me..." "Anyone with six-thirteenths of a BRAIN wouldn't believe you...." "BUT ROMANI MUST PROTECT THE COWS!!!" "Listen to me carefully. DRUGS. ARE.....BADDDDDDD!!!!!!" The small girl smiled at Link as though he were her best friend. "Hey, Grasshopper, I'm recruiting for an assistant right now! You're a boy, won't you try?" Link's muscles tensed. "UHH..." He quickly made his voice higher, "BOY? WHOS A BOY, SILLY? LETS GO HAVE A TEA PARTY....HAHA....HA........ha...whooo..." Romani giggled non-cutely. "Great! Now that's the spirit, Grasshopper! OK then, I'm going straight into my strategy!" By this time Link had given up with reasoning with the mentally-challenged girl. He instead sat down and began humming quietly to himself. "They'll appear all over the ranch..." "Hmm hmmm..... Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Chung tonight!... Lalalala...." "They'll aim for that barn and approach it slowly, so hit them with arrows so they can't get in!" The blonde boy sat stubbornly on the ground, determined to drown Romani's voice out. "My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, PARTY ALL THE TIIIMMMEEE!!!" Alas, it was to no avail. "You got that? And you mustn't leave the ranch!" Link stood up and decided to leave the ranch. In fact, he would leave the ranch MANY times!! Stepping in, then stepping back out again...IT WAS THE PERFECT PLAN.....MWAA HA HA AAH AHAHAHAHAA!!!!!! "Grasshopper! Let's practice right away!" "Oh, but I was just...LEAVING.... MWAA HA AHAHAHAHAAA!!!!" "There are ten ghost-shaped balloons in the ranch, so hurry and burst them all." "Good, because if they were "them"-shaped I think I would wet myself.....and don't ALIENS abduct things? I haven't seen a lot of ghosts or "them's" abducting things lately..." "If you take over two minutes you're out. The current record is 01`00'00. Are you ready?" "You seem to not understand, I'm...LEAVING...MWAAAA HAA HAAA *hack*... *cough*...."  
  
Just as Link was turning to leave Romani Ranch, he found himself MAGICALLY on the back of Epona. "Epona!," Ha gasped in a baby-voice, "Did that mean ol` girl kidnap you?" Epona brayed and stomped the ground. "She did? Oh no! You're useless to me now! YOUR BRAIN DAMAGE KNOWS NO END!!!!" At this point Link realized he was playing a game of some sort. He shot the balloon-things down and stuff happened. Really cool stuff. Hey hey hey....yeah...  
  
Link jumped down off Epona and started backing towards the exit. "Well, I hate to...er...hate to be leaving so SOON, but..." "Twenty-Seven minutes?! Amazing! It's a new record!!" The young hero smacked his forehead. "You two work perfectly together!" "....What?...Who are you talking about?...Holy Dislocated Mousekiteers, you think horses are people, DON'T YOU?!" "When you hit these, they burst into nothing, but the REAL ones will keep popping up!" "....THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WE SHOOTING THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!" "If they get in the barn, WE LOSE!" "Okay, fair enough." "They run away at the first light of the sun, so we'll have to keep fending them off until then!" Link was growing more and more tired of hearing Romani's ceaseless babble. "OKAY, OKAY, I GET IT, JEEBUS!" "Did you get that?" "...............I've got half mind to smack the granola outta you, woman." "The operation starts tonight at two. I'll be waiting in the barn. Don't be late!" "...and what if I AM late?! HUH?!" Romani had started running around again, still shooting with NOTHING at her balloon. Link glared at her as he though of how fun it would be to come to the barn LATE tonight...  
  
A/N: Review, and maybe I'll give you this candy-bead-necklace-thingy! ^________^ 


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